Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
