a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
