I am in a vortex of obligation.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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