One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
