I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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