What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We need to get me chipped asap
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
