The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
