I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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