Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
