Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
from now on my penis is your penis
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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