I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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