I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
