It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
