Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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