saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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