My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
