Define "chronic" masturbator.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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