booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
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