Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
