I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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