My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize