He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
