Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
