All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
