I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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