I just saw a hot homeless man
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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