Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
