Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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