somebody snuck up and got me drunk
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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