If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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