Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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