i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
