I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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