I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
