I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
