Need sex. Gaining weight.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
