the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
