all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
