When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
