Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
