Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
