dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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