Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
