watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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