She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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