so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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