smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
