pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
