I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
