whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
