Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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