If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
