ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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