this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize