I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
