Don't make out with my wife yet
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize