If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
