My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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