Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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