Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
