imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I can't turn off my feet"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
