also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
